My parent or carer's cancer can't be cured

There is no rule-book to follow when your parent or carer is dying from cancer, and there's no right way to feel. But there is help and support.

You may find it impossible to believe. You might feel like you're stuck in a nightmare. If you're still trying to process the news that your parent's cancer can't be cured, that's completely normal too. It's not going to be easy, but that doesn't mean you can't get through this. Canteen is here for you - we can put you in touch with a specialist counsellor, help you make sense of what's happening, and you can also talk to other young people dealing with similar stuff through Canteen Connect.

What does it mean when cancer "can't be cured"?

When a doctor says your parent or carer's cancer "can't be cured," it usually means the cancer can't be removed or beaten completely. Treatment might still happen — but the goal shifts from curing the cancer to managing symptoms, easing pain, and giving your parent the best quality of life for as long as possible. This is sometimes called palliative care..

It's a lot to take in, and it's normal to feel shocked, angry, numb, or like none of it makes sense yet.

How to cope when your parent is dying of cancer

There's no single right way to get through this, but these things can help:

• Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Anger, guilt, sadness, even relief at times - all of it is normal.
• Keep talking to someone. A friend, a family member, or a Canteen counsellor. You don't have to carry this alone.
• Ask questions. It's okay to ask your parent, a doctor, or a nurse what's actually happening. Not knowing is often harder than knowing.
• Look after the practical stuff too. School, sport, friendships - it's okay to keep doing normal things. That's not being disloyal, it's how you stay steady.
• Connect with others going through it. Canteen Connect lets you talk to other young people who get it, without having to explain everything from scratch.

How your parent or carer might be feeling

Your parent or carer is likely dealing with their own fear, sadness, and grief - and they might try to hide it to protect you. They may also worry about how you're coping, even while they're going through the hardest thing themselves. Some days they might seem like themselves; other days, not at all. None of that means anything about how much they love you. It's also common to find yourself grieving before they've actually died.

Dealing with grief before your parent dies

It's possible - and completely normal - to start grieving before your parent has died. This is sometimes called anticipatory grief. It doesn't mean you've given up, and it doesn't mean you love them any less. As things progress, you might also start thinking about how you want to say goodbye.

Where to get support right now

You don't have to figure this out on your own.

• Talk to a specialist counsellor - Canteen counsellors understand what young people in your situation are going through. Find out more.
• Connect with other young people going through the same thing on Canteen Connect.
  Call us on 1800 226 833.
• If it's an emergency, call Triple Zero (000). For crisis support, Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and Kids Helpline is on 1800 55 1800.